America's Next Top Model recap: You're about 8 years too late for the 'Mean Girls' audition
Our usual recapper is out of town this week (lucky), so we'll do the best we can to provide you with all the scratches and blows from last night's America's Next Top Model. We're still struggling with flashbacks to horrific girl fights and catty scheming from junior high and some of high school.
Charity starts at home
The girls get back from panel to find goody bags at the house containing swag from Warriors in Pink, a Susan G. Komen breast cancer awareness campaign. But this aura of well-being surrounding a good cause is already poisoned by the girls' shared animosity toward Alexandria. We agree that Blondie could use an attitude check, but Brittani's constant lambasting of Alex's looks is starting to turn our stomach. And it's four minutes in.
Nigel shows up to tell them they're each going to embody a different "warrior" for an ad campaign, and the winner gets to star in a breast cancer PSA. One would think that working for such a good cause would put their infighting into perspective. However, one would be wrong.
Don't baffle the photographer
The girls get to pick which "warrior" they want to represent in the shoot and then get to style themselves. Most of the girls aren't very memorable, until Brittani leaves Nigel utterly bewildered. Nigel (and ourselves) have a hard time figuring out what Brittani is trying to convey, when she tells us that she doesn't think, she just does when she's in front of the camera. To which Nigel responds, "What does that mean?" Maybe that she's like an instinctual creature? More likely that she's a slave to her emotions, which is confirmed as the show goes on.
Alexandria ends up winning the challenge with her "Tree of Life" shoot, which Nigel says was a bit obviously styled, but still worked. So not only does the wooden, haltingly-spoken Alexandria get to star in a PSA, but she also gets a Ford Focus, as Ford sponsors the Warriors in Pink. We actually were happy for Alexandria. Her "I don't have a car" comment was like Oliver Twist asking for more porridge.
But Brittani is obviously not convinced, and begins to loudly declare to everyone within earshot -- including the clients at Susan G. Komen and Ford -- that Alexandria doesn't deserve to win and everyone wants her to go home. Brittani, don't you watch after-school specials and 90210? You should know that calling someone out for being two-faced never works out...even if it is true. Also, you're acting like you're 12.
Wait, they're suggesting getting more crazy?
The girls get the best alarm clock in the world when Miss J comes over clapping and exuding general good cheer. The models are going to Universal Studios, where they visit Jaws and the Bates Motel. Jay Manuel emerges in full Mother Bates garb and disembowels a poor Miss J, who is left to bleed on the porch.
If this didn't make it obvious, the theme for this challenge is "Crazy for..." and will be styled by Gossip Girl's Eric Daman and avant garde photographer Miguel Starcevich. Each girl will be crazy for a different element of fashion and go for an "Italian Vogue" look.
Most of the models handle the challenge beautifully, each putting their own spin on the assignment. Molly overcomes her discomfort at being draped in a metric ton of accessories and uses her props to her advantage. Kasia takes risks with her addicted-to-hair shoot which comes off well. Jay Manuel wonders why Brittani is so bubbly with her crazy-for-shoes assignment, and Starcevich is loving her work. Hannah won't stop screaming "I LOVE BAGS" and emoting like the lead in a high school performance of "Hello, Dolly" and Jay calls her a hot, crazy mess. Literally, we guess that's what they were supposed to go for, but Jay's tone doesn't sound complimentary.
Jaclyn nailed her crazy-for-makeup shoot, but Alexandria and Mikaela struggled. Mikaela was overwhelmed by the volume props on her set and couldn't focus on a single look, while Alexandria brought the model but left the crazy. She must have left it back in the confession room, where she went on some manic rant about how she's "Alpha."
Stamping your feet really drives the point home
At panel, the shots came off wonderfully for Kasia, Hannah, Molly and Jaclyn, with Jaclyn taking home top prize. Her look of genuine shock was both hilarious and adorable.
Seeing as this is reality television, Nigel chooses to broach the subject of Alexandria and Brittani's animosity while Alex is getting a bit of a ribbing for her shoot. With a sickening foot stomp, Brittani declares that no one in the competition likes Alexandria and everyone wants her to go home, to which Tyra replies that that's not the photographer, stylist or client's concern and she needs to shut her mouth. Cue Brittani bursting into tears and running off set. Life is so unfair! But she collects herself, returns to the stage and cries "panic attack" to the judges, and it's time to raise the guillotine.
In trouble with the boss
In the end, Alexandria is third-to-last called, and Brittani and Mikaela are left. We've seen that Tyra adamantly wants the tempestuous Brittani off her show, but this is a democracy, apparently, and Tyra gets voted down. Mikaela gets booted for her lackluster shoots, but Tyra tells her that she wishes Mikaela were the one staying. Tyra tells Brittani that she doesn't know what the young model can do to get back in her good graces, which must be like when your mom gives you that "I'm not mad, I'm just very disappointed" speech. Ouch.
What did you think, readers? Which model was more out of line? Which model should have been sent home?